Bette Midler — The Vicki Eydie Show

"And now, and now, and now! Comes my favorite part. This is the part where I get to expose myself, to... Cleveland All my hopes, fears, dreams and desires, right here, right now In this little section I have been in showbusiness for 10 years and every time I have to go back on the stage I have this dream, that I am trapped in an act, not of my own design In this act, I demonstrate the kind of performer I might have become, had I not been blessed with brains, talent and gorgeous tits! Yes indeed Ladies and Germs, in this, in this dream I demonstrate The kind of preformer I would have become had I only been blessed with gorgeous tits, yes, here they are! Here thay are, You've read about them in People magazine, they were featured on the cover of Life, October 1st, 1954 3 year old baby with 38 inch chest. That was something to behold! Ahh. Now, the name of the performer that I play in my dream is 'Vicki Eydie' Vicki Eydie is definitely a lounge act, Vicki Eydie is not the kind performer who goes around singing any old kind of song she wants to sing, you understand! No, this act, what can I call it? It is a global revue. She does not, of course, travel alone, no. She has hired a once famous, singing trio 'The Dazzling Eat-ettes' And if I am not mistake, here they come this very mimette Minute!! Here they come! 'The Dazzling Eat-ettes' Oh God! Welcome to my nightmare!" "And now! The 'Plywood Room' high atop 'Swingos Celebrity Motor Lodge' In gorgeous downtown 'Seven Hills' is thrilled to present the inevitable song stylings of the internationnally acclaimed Miss Vicki Eydie! In her internationally acclaimed 'Around the world Revue' entitled 'Around the world in 80 ways!' And now, he-e-e-ere's Vicki!! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Around the world I've searched for you, I traveled on when hope was gone to keep a rendezvous Say, I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow, you would look at me and I would see the smile you're smiling now. Ooh! It might have been in County Down, or in New York, or Gay Paris Or even, London Town. Hey! What difference does it make? No more will I go all around the world, for I have found my world in, Y-O-U, Hey! Ha! "What difference does it make!? Jokers, Tokers and Smokers! How are you tonight!? Where are you tonight!? And how does your sign say!? Have we got a little treat in store for you tonight! We're gonna take you on a wonderful little trip around this glorious little globe of ours! We feature songs of many colors, and flags of lots of nations And the first stop on this whirl-wind cavalcade - the exotic Middle East! With a veritable 'turbular' tune. Here we go, Girls! Ow! Istanbul was Constantinople Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night Every gal in Constantinople Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople So if you've got a date in Constantinople She'll be waiting in Istanbul Even old New York Was once New Amsterdam, Hey! Why they changed it I can't say People just liked it better that way Nya, Nya, Nya! Sing the song Girls! Nya, nya, nya! [Repeated] Sing out, sing out Nya, nya, nya!... Wow! So take me back to Constantinople No, you can't go back to Constantinople Been a long time gone, Constantinople Why did Constantinople get the works That's nobody's business but the Turks' Hey! "But no time to linger! No time to linger! Vicki Eydie gets preposterous on the Bosphorous! But as I say no time to linger In the Auderman empire For I hear by the sound of the Castanettes, we are off Off, off, off we are off Off to Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-azil! a-Br-r-razil. Brazil... Land of hope, Land of hemp Hmmmm I wrote this next musical composition for the festival at 'Piranha Del-Rey' Unfortunately I did not win that particular festival Otherwise I would not be here in Er... Cleveland! Tonight But makes no, nevermind! For me, this song sums up the Essence of the Latin-American experience See if you don't understand what I mean"It was Fiesta Tropical moonlight It was, it was Fiesta And he held me so tight I thought, I thought I was dying But I just had the clap It was Fiesta And I had the clap.What to do in Rio When you can't even pee-o? I had a bum time Though it was fiesta I-I-I-I-I-I-I!When he turned the light down low He said, "Oh Miss Vickie, I, I want you so."I was a forced, forced to remove myself from his lap You take care at Fiesta. You beware, beware at Fiesta Oh there at Fiesta, he will give you the . . .[ Clapping to beat ]Wa-hoo, Hey!"Catchy, huh? Yeah, I thought you'd enjoy that! But no time to linger in South America For I hear by the sound of the slide guitar That it is time for us to move along Yes, indeed Ladies and gentlemen We are on our way, and just in time For Vicki Eydie's South Sea Adventure! Ahh, the South Sea's, The South Sea's Where I found peace, contentment and Many tropical fruits I had not known before! Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Vicki Eydie eats papaya! We are about to recreatefor you, one the most beautiful And sensual of all the native rituals for you and Here are some beautiful and sensual native's right now!"In the south sea island of Tawanga I let myself go What a beautiful setting for romancing And the palms sway too and fro And the island men are so handsome They make you really know What it's like not to be left lonely As they sing soft and low.If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up If you're cracking up, why don't you pack it up? You got to find yourself a crazy kind of loveTwo-Three-Four Aaaahh-Way Lack-of-nookies-got-me! Aaaaahh-Way Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya! Aaaaahh-Way You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!They took me down by the waterfall They showed me their island ways They gave me beautiful flowers And pretty good island lays I forgot about what was right And I learned what was very bad But now I am the princess of the island And they make me feel very glad.If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up If you're cracking up from having lack of shaking up If you're cracking up, why don't you pack it up? You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love.Two-Three-Four Aaaahh-Way Lack-of-nookies-got-me! Aaaaahh-Way Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya! Aaaaahh-Way You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love! That's Right You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love! That's Right You got to find yourself a crazy kind of love!"Here we go!!! Time to sing along with Vicki Eydie! Don't you want sing along with Vicki Eydie!? Yeah! Ok, forget music! I sing first, then you Get it? Got it? Good!"If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up! If you're cracking up from having lack-- God, what a quiet, quiet little group What a quiet, tasteful little group! Now that the lights are on I see just how quiet and tasteful you really are! Let's try it again! Me first Then you Real loud!If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up! IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP! Wonderful! If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up! IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP! If you're cracking up... IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP! Why don't you pack it up! WHY DON'T YOU PACK IT UP! And find yourself a crazy kind of Love! AND FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!"Now here comes the hard part Now, many Caucasians have a lot of diffulty Wrapping their little mouths around this parts Because this is real Polynesian, you understand!"Ahh-Way Lack of nookies got me I see it has! AHH-WAY LACK OF NOOKIES GOT ME! Next phrase! Ahh-Way, Come on I want to lay you AHH-WAY, COME ON I WANT TO LAY YOU! Excellent! Excellent! Why much better than we had hoped!"Why, my Goodness me, do you think we can do it up to tempo!? Do you think you can do it up to tempo!? [Audience:] YEAH! Let's go! Up to tempo for the little Mother-Fucker's! HERE WE GO!IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP! IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP FROM HAVING LACK OF SHACKING UP! IF YOU'RE CRACKING UP, WHY DON'T YOU PACK IT UP! YOU GOT TO FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE!TWO-THREE-FOUR! AAH-WAY! LACK OF NOOKIE'S GOT ME! AHH WAY! COME ON I WANNA LAY YA! YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE! THAT'S RIGHT YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF LOVE! THAT'S RIGHT YOU GOTTA FIND YOURSELF A CRAZY KIND OF L-O-O-O-OVE!...You're out of the woods You're out of the dark You're out of the night Step into the sun Step into the light Then open your eyes And love will open, ahhh Open, ahhh Open, open, open, open up.Nicky Arnstein! Nicky Arnstein! Nicky Arnstein!Hey! Come on along and listen to The lullaby of Broadway The hi-de-hi and boopa-doo The lullaby of Broadway.The band begins to go to town And everyone goes crazy You rock-a-bye your baby 'round 'til everything gets hazy Hush-a-bye, I'm gonna buy you this and that You hear your daddy sing Then baby goes home to her flat To sleep all day.Good night, baby Good night. Milkman's on his way Sleep tight, oh, my baby You sleep tight. Let's call it a day.Listen to, the lullaby Of ol-gone, you know it's old Come on along Broadway! Yeah, brodway, yeah, broadway! The lulla-lullaby of Bro-o-o-oadway! Yow!