Frank Zappa — Billy The Mountain- Part 1 Carnegie Hall

FZ: Well, the next . . . Relax, ladies and gentlemen . . . I'll tell you what you're going to hear, that's "Billy The Mountain." We've added some things to "Billy The Mountain" since the last time we played it at the Fillmore. And if you're a real fanatic, you'll know exactly where they are. Okay, uhm, excuse me just a moment Guy From The Audience: Where is the rest of the orchestra? FZ: You are the orchestra. For those of you who haven't heard this piece, uh, it's about half an hour long and it's pretty complicated. There's dancing, talking, singing and musical stuff in there. Do me a favor and please don't make any extraneous noise during the thing so that we don't get fucked up in the middle of it, okay? Mark & Howard: BILLY the Mountain BILLY the Mountain A regular picturesque Postcardy mountain Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman With his stunning wife ETHELL A tree! A tree! BILLY was a mountain FZ: BILLY was a mountain Mark & Howard: ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder FZ: ETHELL was indeed a tree growing off of his shoulder Mark & Howard: BILLY was a mountain FZ: A regular picturesque postcardy mountain Mark & Howard: ETHELL was a tree Growing off of his shoulder FZ: Residing between lovely Rosamond and Gorman Mark & Howard: Billy had two big Caves for eyes With a cliff for a jaw That would go up 'n down And whenever it did He'd puff out some dust And hack up a boulder (HACK!) Hack up a boulder (HACK! HACK!) Hack up a boulder (HACK! HACK! HACK!) Up a boulder Mark: Now, one day, a man in a checkered suit drove up in a large Lincoln Continental and he laid a HUGE, BULGING ENVELOPE right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN. Now, that was right where Billy's 'foot' was supposed to be BILLY THE MOUNTAIN couldn't believe it! All those postcards he'd posed for, for ALL OF THOSE YEARS, and finally, now, AT LAST, his Royalties! FZ & Others: Royalties . . Royalties! Howard: Billy The Mountain, your royalties are here! Mark: BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Oh, yes, and his eyeball-caves, they widened in amazement, and his cliff, well, it was a jaw, it dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and boulders were hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The LINCOLN'! Mark & Howard: I gave him the money He acted real funny He hocked up a rock and It TOTALLED my car! Oh, do you Know any trucks Might be bound for THE VALLEY? I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (Dear Lord) I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar (No shit!) I don't wanna stand here All night in this bar! Mark: By two o'clock, when the bars are all closed down, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN had already broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHELL. And with dust and boulders everywhere, BILLY, choked with excitement, announced . . Jim & Howard: "ETHELL, we're going on a VACATION!" Mark: Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHELL, ETHELL, ETHELL, like little old woman, any old wo—, any, any little woman, she of course was very, very excited! She creaked a little bit, and some old birds flew off of her.) BILLY told ETHELL they were going to . . . They were going to NEW YORK! Jim & Howard: "ETHELL, we're going to . . . New York!" Mark: But first they would stop in LAS VEGAS . . Mark & Howard: It's off to LAS VEGAS To check out the lounges Pull a few handles And drink a few beers (Oh, ETHELL!) ETHELL, my darling You know that I love you! I'm glad we could have a Vacation this year! (Oh, NEET-O!) Glad we could have a Vacation this year! Mark: They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds Jim & Howard: "ETHELL, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?" Mark & Others: (Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!) Jim & Howard: "Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CLAMS?" Jim: The first noteworthy piece of real estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . FZ: And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Clerks alike, speak in reverent whispers about that fateful night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SLED ITSELF was . . . LUNCHED! All: (Lunched!) FZ: By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMALL, WOODEN WIFE Mark & Howard: Good bye to LAS VEGAS Farewell to the lounges We pulled a few handles We drank a few beers (CHUG-A-LUG-A-LUG!) Guess that GEORGE PONTOON Should be on the air now With the biggest new story That has broken this year (GEORGE PONTOON!) His biggest new story That has broken this year (Take it away, newscaster George Pontoon!) Jim: Word just in to the NEW Nurz Service . . Mark: Nurz Service? Jim: . . . undeniably links THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a Staten Island SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in Manhattan that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN in Philadelphia, Kansas City, Denver, Indianapolis, Queens, The Bronx, and other important cities in New York State will provide Mayor Lindsay the SECRET EVIDENCE he has needed to seek a CRIMINAL INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER LEGISLATION, increased FEDERAL AID, and AVERT A CRIPPLING STRIKE of High School Teachers and Taxi Drivers throughout the EMPIRE STATE. However it is This Reporter's Opinion that ETHELL is a FORMER COMMUNIST . . Ian: WITHIN THE WEEK Don: Jerry Lewis Don & Ian: Had hosted a Telethon Mark & Howard: ("Wah wah wah, nice lady!") Jim: To raise funds for the injured Mark & Howard: (the injured . . . ) Jim: And homeless Mark & Howard: (homeless . . . ) Mark, Howard & Jim: In Denver FZ: As BILLY had just levelled it Mark: And, a few miles right outside of town, BILLY caused a Mark & Howard: 'Oh Mein Papa' Mark: In the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS where they keep the Mark & Howard: POOLS OF OLD POISON GAS, and OBSOLETE GERM BOMBS Mark: Just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . FZ: Oh, yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon, little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his stoop Howard: ("Auntie Em!") FZ: Squeezing his concertina Howard: ("Auntie Em!") FZ: When a mysterious wind came up from the East Howard: ("Toto . . . ! Come back, Toto!") FZ: And a mysterious wind that came up from the West Howard: ("Auntie Em! Auntie Em!") FZ: And a mysterious wind that came up from the South Howard: ("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . ! Auntie Em!") FZ: And a mysterious wind came down from the North Howard: ("Auntie Em!") Mark: Oh, my God! Howard: "Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow . . . " Howard: ("Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Auntie Em!") Mark: . . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMELY DISPERSAL over VAST STRETCHES of Mark & Howard: THE MID WEST! Mark: Ye-es. Now, if I remember correctly, it was right outside of Pontiac, Michigan when BILLY was hanging out with the ALICE COOPER guys, you know what I mean, when he got his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAL. Now, lemme tell ya, ETHELL—and ALICE'S SNAKE—said, they weren't gonna let him go! Howard: "We're not gonna let you go, baby!" Mark: But GEORGE PONTOON, the RIGHT-WING RADICAL FASCIST PINKO PRICKO . . . NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles had this to say: Howard: Take it away, GEORGE PONTOON, the RADICAL RIGHT-WING FASCIST PINKO PRICKO NEWSCASTER from Los Angeles, hey! Jim: "We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED LUTHERAN MINISTER in PONTIAC, MICHIGAN, that ETHELL is still an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she also practices . . . " Howard: (COVEN!) Jim: "WITCH-CRAFT!" FZ: It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! And that one MORTAL MAN, as you'd probably remember from the Fillmore East, was none other than STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP. Bring the band on down behind me, boys. And the details of STUDEBAKER: Howard: Now, some folks say he looked like IGGY STOOGE Mark: (Iggy Stooge, now) Howard: Still others say Mark: (others say) Howard: Nay and bullshit, man Mark: (bullshit, man) Howard: He was just born next to the Frozen Beef Pies down at the local GRISTEDES Mark: ([...]) Howard: Still others say, Hey, fuck you, man . . Mark: (others say . . . ) Howard: He's just another crazy Italian who drove a RED SPORTS CAR, you know Mark: (crazy Italian . . .) Howard: But the funny thing was, nobody knew for sure, because he was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious Mark: (but nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so mysterious) . . Mark & Howard: HE WAS SO (He was so, he was so!) MYSTERIOUS! HE WAS SO (He was so, he was so!) MYSTERIOUS! 'Cuz when a person gets to be Such a HERO, folks And MARVELOUS BEYOND COMPUTE You can never REALLY TELL About a GUY LIKE THAT (Whether he's really a NICE PERSON Or if he just SMILES A LOT) Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' Or what? FZ: Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what? Mark & Howard: Some men say he could FLY Some men say he could SWIM Others say he could SING (like NEIL SEDAKA) And all the girls in FLUSHING Would be AMAZED of HIM Mark: (Two, Three!) Mark & Howard: AMAZED of HIM! Howard: (Amazed!) FZ: Time passes . . Mark: January Howard: February FZ: October Jim: September . . . 1921 . . FZ: Montreal . . Howard: Dangerfield's . . Mark: 1952 . . Jim: 1925 . . FZ: John Dillinger . . Howard: One Fifth Avenue . . Jim: 1970 . . FZ: You're on the rag! Jim: 1971 Mark: Your mother's Pinto . . FZ: Wednesday . . Mark: I want a Pinto . . Jim: Holy Thursday . . Mark: Bill Cullen . . FZ: She's only thirteen and she knows how to nasty . . Howard: So when the phone rang (Thank you) In the secret briefcase A strong masculine hand With a wristwatch Mark: And flexy bracelet Mark & Howard: GRABBED IT Jim: And answered In a deep, calmly assured voice . . Howard: Yeah? Mark: Studebaker? Howard: Yeahh Mark: Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent? Howard: Yeah! Mark: The same Studebaker Hoch, Secret Agent that plays conga drums on the new LEON RUSSELL album? Howard: NO! I told you never to call me on the purple phone! Mark: But . . . but . . Howard: They're always listening Mark: But, but, it's ME, LITTLE EMIL! Howard: LITTLE EMIL! Mark: LITTLE EMIL! Howard: LITTLE EMIL! Mark: LITTLE EMIL! Howard: Yeah, you got the code? Mark: I got the code. You got the pencil? Howard: I got the pencil Mark: I got the code Howard: Lay it on me Mark: You got the pencil? Howard: I got the pencil Mark: I got the code Howard: You got the code. Lay it on me Mark: Here comes the code Howard: Here comes the code Mark: One hen Howard: One hen Mark: One hen Two ducks Howard: One hen Two ducks Mark: One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Howard: One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Howard & Mark: One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth One hen Two ducks Three squawking geese Four Limerick oysters Five corpulent porpoises Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers Seven thousands Macedonians in full battle array Eight brass monkeys from the ancient, sacred crypts of Egypt Nine apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens of the deep who haul quay around the quo of the quivvy of the quarry, all at the same time Howard: Oh! . . . Oh, my goodness . . Mark: You got the code? Howard: I got the code Mark: I got the pencil Howard: Oh, my God. That's terrible. A mountain . . . ? With a, with a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Oh, my God. Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? (Free Huey! Free Huey!) Can I fly there immediately and reason with him? Wow . . . An expense account? And per diem, too? Mark & Howard: SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE! FZ: And he could dance like a son of a bitch. And just to prove it, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON, COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE and WINNIPEG RANGER NASAL SALUTE Mothers: Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . . Hey! THREE FROM THE EAST-UH THREE FROM THE WEST-UH THREE FROM THE NORTH-UH THREE FROM THE SOUTH-UH Howard: THREE FROM THE LEFT NOSTRIL! ?: Three from the right nostril Mark: Three from the tongue Mothers: RANGERS HO! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly . . FZ: STUDEBAKER HOCH . . . Mysterious . . . Provocative . . . Homunculus . . . So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! Consider if you will the most recent one that appeared in SCREW, wherein STUDEBAKER himself was credited with the ability to write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin! Howard & Mark: Some men say he could write THE LORD'S Prayer On the head of a Head of a Head of a pin Ah! (Three Dog Night!) (Good God!) (Say!) (All right, all right . . . ) Other still maintain the FACT! Joe Schermie, oh, my God! Good God! Good God! Joy to the world . . One is the loneliest number that you'll e . . Liar, liar . . He was born next to the Frozen Beef Pies FZ: A Frozen Beef Pie for Elliot Roberts Mothers: Do-do-do-do-do Doot-doot-do DO DO DO! Do-do-do-do-do Doot-doot-do DO! Etc Mark: BEEF PIES! He was born next to the BEEF PIES Underneath JONI MITCHELL'S autographed picture Right beside JAMES TAYLOR'S bulging Bank Book And next to CAROLE KING'S contraceptives On the boat Where DAVID CROSBY flushed all his stash So they took him away And locked him up inside a big jail And there he sang DÉJÀ VU To himself until he got bail And then he walked Down the streets with McGUINN Just before Before he changed his name back to JIM And he got his cape From the BYRDS out of the cleaners Mark & Howard: FROZE-ing by the PIES! FROZE-ing by the PIES! FROZE-ing by the PIES! (And that was the main influence on HIM!) FZ: Obviously that was the main influence on him Jim: Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife Mark: (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . HE ran around the back of the nearest A&P to find some big, un-used cardboard boxes Howard: After which, he hit up the nearest GRISTEDE'S for some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', and a pair of blunt scissors! Mark: And in the parking lot of the ONE FIFTH AVENUE (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and then he covered them thoroughly with foil! Mark & Howard: Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L! Thorough-LY wi-TH FOIL-L-L! Jim: Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . Mark: He SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And then he pulled down his blue denim policeman type looking trouser, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA syrup all over the inside of his thighs! Jim: Soon the booth was filling with flies! Mark & Howard: (Help me, help me, help me!) Jim: He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in Mark: (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into the phone booth with him, and they were lapping up all that good old AUNT JEMIMA syrup, well, he bent over and he put his own head between his legs and he said in a very, very clear, L. RON HUBBARD-type voice . . Mothers: "NEW YORK!" . . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky! Mark & Howard: STUDEBAKER HOCH YEAH, YEAH STUDEBAKER HOCH STU-DE-BAKER HOCH! STUDEBAKER HOCH YEAH, YEAH STUDEBAKER HOCH STU-DE-BAKER HOCH! He's coating his legs With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down! His shorts'll be filled with flies That will be buzzing all around! Stoodlabaker Hoch He's really outa sight! Stoodlabaker Hoch He does it every night! Stoodlabaker Hoch He treats the flies all right STOODLA-BAKER HOCH That's why they never bite, hey! He could be a DOG Or a FROG Or a LESBIAN QUEEN! (Fly to New York!) He could be a NARK Or a LADY MARINE! Or he might play dirty! He's OVER THIRTY! (Getting old? Say! I don't know!) His peculiar attire And the flies he require Keep leading him on 'Cause ETHELL is gone And THE MOUNTAIN she's on (Please to New York! Fly to New York!) Zappa!