Frank Zappa — Call Any Vegetable Carnegie Hall

FZ: This is a song about vegetables. They keep you regular, they're real good for you Call any vegetable Call it by name You gotta call one today When you get off the train Call any vegetable And the chances are good Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you La-la-ah la-la . . . oh Call any vegetable Pick up your phone Think of a vegetable Lonely at home Call any vegetable And the chances are good Yeah-eh-hey, the vegetable will respond to you La-la-ah la-la, the vegetable will respond to you La-la-ah la-la . . Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga Ruta-bay-ayga, Ruta-bay-ayga Ruta-bayyyyy . . No one will know If you don't want to let 'em know No one will know 'Less it's you that might tell 'em so Call and they'll come to you Smiling and covered with dew Vegetables dream Vegetables dream Vegetables dream Of responding to you Standing there shiny and proud by your side Holding your joint while the neighbors decide Why is a vegetable something to hide? To hide! To hide! To hide! Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo . . FZ: You know, a lot of people don't bother about their friends in the vegetable kingdom. They think, "What can I say?" And sometimes they think, "Where can I go?" Howard: Where can I go to get the runs in Manhattan? Mark: At the City Squire Inn, at 312 Fifty— . . Howard: Where can I go to get castrated in Central Park? Mark: At One Fifth Avenue Hotel in the heart of . . Howard: Where can I go to have my hemorrhoids lanced in Yonkers? Mark: At . . Howard: Where can I go to get a rancid cowboy shirt in Hollywood? Mark: At Art and Dotty Todd's rancid . . Howard: Where can I go to have a striped flag shirt made . . Mark: At Ro . . Howard: . . . so I can get the shit beat out of me? Mark: At Roy . . . Ha hah! FZ: Questions, questions, questions. Flooding into the mind of the concerned young person today. Oh, but it is a wonderful time to be alive, and I doubt that there is one person in this audience tonight that wouldn't agree with the concept that it's really great to be alive when you can consider the alternatives. (BURP) And there's one of them now. But I think there's one thing that we should all remember here in this . . . marvelous . . . CARNEGIE HALL . . . Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck are we doing here? And there are other great questions to consider. The origins of various things that have been important to the development of civilization as we know it Mark: I almost cut my hair FZ: So few people know that "I Almost Cut My Hair" was co-authored by Elliot Roberts. But there's even fewer people who know the real mythical importance of the next few things that I'm going to explain to you. Now these, these few words, these phrases, which you— you could recite to yourself in sort of a mantra-like fashion, could, used properly under the suitable clinical conditions, provide infinite cosmic wisdom. And I know that's were— That's where all of you guys would like to be at anyway. Otherwise you wouldn't be staying here in New York, where it's all really happening. And to enable you to continue your great work, expanding your consciousness, developing into the citizens of tomorrow, we'd like to present to you at this time some helpful hints. They're in code, so you have to pay very close attention. Memorize the code and work it out when you get home. Here is the first coded message . . MUFFINS! (YEAHH!) PUMPKINS! (YEAHH!) WAX PAPER! (YEAHH!) CALEDONIAS, MAHOGANIES, ELBOWS (YEAH!) GREEN THINGS IN GENERAL . . And soon: A NEW RAPPORT! You and all your new little green & yellow buddies grooving together! Maintaining your coolness together! And worshipping together in the church of your choice, only in America . . God bless America America, America . . (Sieg Heil!) Land that I . . Call any vegetable Call it by name You gotta call one today When you get off the train Call any vegetable And the chances are good Yes indeed, that the vegetable will RESPOND to you Howard: I am reminded of an ancient Roman fable. It seems there was this old centaur, about to cack. And he went down to the stream to look at his old and weary face in reflection in the pond, and he saw the aged lines, and he thought of all those orgies he'd attended, and he thought of all the grapes he'd had peeled for them of all those lovely little wood nymphos that he had taken behind the bushes in his youth. And all of a sudden a magical noise, and Pan—happy, fun filled, cherubic Pan, with his little flute—came right up behind the centaur and stuck his flute right up his ass. Which only goes to show the following message . .