Frank Zappa — Lonesome Cowboy Burt Swaggart Version

My name is Swaggart I am an asshole All my friends They call me 'Jim' (Hi, Jim!) I'm from Louisiana I make lots of money But I fucked up And commited a sin Come out here to Californy Just to find me Some pretty girls (No shit!) The ones I seen Gets me so horny; Ruby lips 'N teeth like pearls! Wanna love 'em all! In the name of Jesus! Wanna pretty girl— I'll even pay! I'll buy 'em furs! I'll buy 'em jewelry! I'll never fuck them; Here's what I say: I'm lonesome Cowboy Jim! (Speakin' atcha!) I only give 'em the tips of him! (Posin' atcha!) My cowboy pants My cowboy dance My bold advance On this here prostitute Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey Yodel-oh-oo-pee! (He's lonesome Cowboy Jim Look at the tip of him!) Come on in this place 'N I'll buy you a taste You can sit on my face— Where's my prostitute/waitress? Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (thank you!) Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (yessir!) I'm an awful nice guy! (so you say) I sweat all day in the sun! (oh yeah, yeah) I'm a preacher by trade Quite a bundle like me And I'm a feature ol' mumble-mumble Son-of-a-gun! (He's a unionized roofin' old Son-of-a-gun!) Fill in the blank! When I get off, I get When I get off, I get When . . . I, I, I, I And then, Sharkey says: When I get off (pfft!) I get sinful (Just the tip! Only the tip now, come on) I spoo Till I goo On the rug Then I find me Some eighteen ninety-five Luiann—, Louisiana style prostitute And make her do pornographic stunts while I watch And I have So much fun Jay-zus! Jay-zus! (Pornographic stunts and I have so much fun) (What?) I huff And I puff (Hratche-plche Hratche-plche) And I pump up my sanctified erection Till my cheeks Puff up An' turn red Along with my neck (Say, varmint!) I drool On my shirt Takes a little while before I squirt But I've been doin' it for twenty years and they haven't caught me yet UH-OH! Made a mistake this time! Now I've sinned Everybody! (What an asshole!) Made a mistake and I sinned, uh! Made a mistake and I sinned, ow! Made a mistake and I sinned, what? Made a mistake and I sinned Lonesome Cowboy Jim! (Sinnin' atcha!) Come smell this fringe-y shirt! (Grinnin' atcha!) My cowboy pants My cowboy dance My bold advance On this here prostitute Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh Yodel-oh-oo-pee! (HE'S LONESOME COWBOY JIM/SCOTT BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO Don't you dare to laugh at him/swat) (Oh, tune me in now) Come on in this place An' I'll buy you a taste 'N you can sit on my face— Where's my prostitute? OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE BITCH!