Frank Zappa — Room Service The Dub Room Special

Four . . Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom (Right out front there's a) Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom (Nearly a year ago there's a) Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom (Wash your hands in the) Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom (Everybody goin' to the) Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom (Everybody goin' to) Doo-doo roo-ooh-oom FZ: Hello? Is this room service? Napoleon: Room service! This is not only room service, this is your automatic and responsible doo-doo room service FZ: Good God, ain't it funky now? Look here, you know, do you realize how heavy these telephones are that we're holding? Napoleon: Ah, do I realize! FZ: I'll make a deal with ya, I'll put mine down if you put yours down George: Mental telepathy Napoleon: What would you like? What would you like? We got everything, what would you like? FZ: You're sure that this is doo-doo room service, right? Napoleon: This is doo-doo room service FZ: Alright Napoleon: Not just do-do room service, doo-doo room service FZ: Alright. I want you to understand one thing Napoleon: Go ahead FZ: You're talking to a hungry guy Napoleon: All you musicians are hungry, go on . . FZ: That's right. And so many of them eat Napoleon: There you go . . FZ: And there are the ones who don't eat, well, ladies and gentlemen, just focus on this one fact: I'm pretending to call room service right now at an imaginary hotel that we can't name because they don't sponsor our program, but there's still hope for them Napoleon: Humble, humble people . . FZ: However, ladies and gentlemen, just, just pretend that he's working in the kitchen and I'm up in my lonely little rock 'n' roll musician's room . . Napoleon: Stop burning those beans! FZ: Ha ha ha . . . stop burning those beans? Napoleon: I'm in the kitchen, you know, you gotta control . . FZ: Why don't you sharpen it then? Napoleon: Gotta control these pilgrims in the kitchen . . FZ: Okay Napoleon: . . . you know, they'll burn the beans FZ: Hello, is this room service? Look, I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry . . Napoleon: What would you like? FZ: I want to eat Napoleon: Anything you want to eat, you can get it here FZ: I want a green hocker Napoleon: Let me write this down, one . . . green hocker FZ: In a Greyhound locker Napoleon: In a Greyhound locker. You musicians sure have some strange requests! FZ: Yeah, well . . Napoleon: But doo-doo room service is here to please, go on FZ: That's right. I want a green hocker in a Greyhound locker . . Napoleon: One green hocker in a Greyhound locker . . FZ: Smokin'! Napoleon: Smokin'! FZ: In the Pygmy Twylyte . . . You do aim to please, don't you? Napoleon: We burnin' that sucker up! FZ: Ha ha ha . . . we's burnin' that sucker up! Listen to that! Napoleon: It's a equal . . . you know this is a equal employment . . FZ: How you do go on! Napoleon: Let me tell you. Is that all you want? You sure you don't want no meat? FZ: No, no, listen . . Napoleon: Don't you want some meat? We serve meat FZ: Ha ha ha . . . No, I got some meat Napoleon: Wait a minute! FZ: Here's the deal . . Napoleon: No . . . You shouldn't talk about our room service unless you taste it first. You gotta taste it first FZ: Oh, well, I'm, I'm very anxious to taste it, however I'm not finished giving you my order. Okay? Napoleon: Okay. What else would you like? FZ: I want you to concentrate. Just let your mind drift back to the first part of the order, it's a green hocker in a Greyhound locker smokin' in the Pygmy Twylyte, and I want, I want to avoid the Garni Du Jour, I never eat the Garni Du Jour . . Napoleon: You don't? FZ: No . . Napoleon: What about the dogs? FZ: Now, listen Napoleon: They gotta eat FZ: I haven't told you about the dogs yet Napoleon: I saw you when you registered, don't tell me . . . caravan of dogs . . . oh, those were two boogers and one dog, I'm sorry FZ: The dogs did not register with me Napoleon: Oh, okay FZ: There's only one person the dogs register with Napoleon: I knew they were with your troop but I didn't know which one FZ: And he used to have a suit on, gorilla hair on it. Now look. I want to avoid the wrinkled carrot Napoleon: Okay, no wrinkled carrot FZ: No thin, wrinkled carrot, no celery, no . . Napoleon: No twisted celery . . FZ: No parsley Napoleon: No parsley FZ: No salad that's so soggy that you don't want to get near it Napoleon: No salad with Saran Wrap on top . . FZ: No. I don't want any styrofoam cups Napoleon: . . . to keep the flies . . . No styrofoam cups . . FZ: I don't want any styrofoam knives and forks Napoleon: No paper plate FZ: No, no paper plates Napoleon: Man, we gonna serve you on China, this jive gonna be on genuine China FZ: I must have come to the right hotel this time Napoleon: Doo-doo room service. Anything you need, we here to please FZ: During the last, during the last show the room service wasn't quite this good, but I know that I'm really gonna get it this time. Now, look . . Napoleon: Well, we try hard— We do try harder, you know FZ: Along with the green hocker in the Greyhound locker smoking in the Pygmy Twylyte, I would like to have a crystal eye . . Napoleon: One crystal eye FZ: A crystal eye (that's two crystal eyes) . . Napoleon: One more crystal eye FZ: That's right. And a crystal kidney Napoleon: And one crystal kidney. You know that's just about like liver, you know, but shinin' though FZ: Yeah Napoleon: Yeah, you know. So if you want it . . FZ: Yeah, I want it! Napoleon: Alright, where do you want us to bring it to? FZ: Sure I want it. I don't want you to be burnin' that sucker up, though Napoleon: Wait a minute. You said you wanted to smoke it . . FZ: No, not the kidney Napoleon: Oh, okay FZ: Now, okay, I want you send this to room 3-3 Napoleon: Room 3-3. That's right after f-four. 4-4 FZ: No. 4-4 is somebody else Napoleon: Ah, okay. 3-3 FZ: That's Chester's room Napoleon: Ha ha . . . I must be in 4-5, then, and Duke must be in 4-3. Ha ha ha! FZ: Ha ha ha! Napoleon: The way Marty registers all the Orientals in this group . . . Here we go . . FZ: Look . . . Yeah, would you be able to recognize me, I'm in room 3-3, and I'm right next to room 3-4 Napoleon: Alright! FZ: And 3-4 is the room that's got the smell of the dog coming out of it Napoleon: Well, I know he won't miss that FZ: Okay Napoleon: The person I'm sending up is familiar with that odor. Yes he is! FZ: You know . . . ha ha, why? Because he's from Baltimore? Napoleon: NO! Because he has a little beard and his office is in the Motown building and on and on and on, well, you know FZ: You're trying to tell me that this guy is so swift that my order is gonna get up there right away? Napoleon: They call him Slick for short FZ: Slick for short? Napoleon: When he don't have shorts, they still call him Slick FZ: Okay, well, I want you to send him up, because I sure am hungry Napoleon: Listen here, matter of fact, so you won't get the wrong guy, I'm gonna tell who we gonna be sendin' up, you know we're gonna send up to you with your fabulous order up to your room . . Zach, Zach, Zach Glickman (Drivin' a little puny car) Zach, Zach, Zach Glickman (He knows how to dial a phone real good) Zach, Zach, Zach Glickman (He's the kind of guy you'd call your friend) Zach, Zach, Zach Glickman (But sometimes he's a drag) FZ: Hello, room service? Napoleon: Yes? FZ: Look here, I want you to dummy up, because my food ain't got here yet, you know? Napoleon: Is this room 3-3? FZ: It's room 3-3, you know, next to three . . Napoleon: Your food didn't get there? FZ: No, it never got here. That guy from Baltimore that you sent up just didn't make it, you know? Napoleon: It's a case of bad judgement, I'll try better this time FZ: Yeah, ha ha . . . Listen, I'm gonna get very angry with you. I'm gonna, I'm going to call Herb if the food doesn't come right away Napoleon: Hey, ah . . . yeah, as a matter of fact, I tell you what we can do, ha ha . . . so we make sure your food does get there, and that you don't get any advances, and for that matter, so you don't get too much food for the price you're paying. You know who we're gonna send the food up by? FZ: No, who you're gonna send the food up by? Napoleon: We're gonna send the food up by the one and only . . . this cat, Herb! Cohen (You know, he got a little hair on his head) Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen (Kinda cute when he curls it, you know) Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen (Walks around and says, "No advances!") Herb, Herb, Herb Cohen (What you gonna do?) FZ: You know the food finally got here and uh . . Napoleon: Alright. I knew I could depend on him, you know . . . because he's got it down to the . . . hundredths of a second FZ: Yeah, I know, Herb does have it down to the hundredths of a second. Well, you know, I think we've exhausted the possibilities of this routine. Do you suggest we end the song? Napoleon: Either that or get Mort up here to dance, I mean, you know . . FZ: Oh, wait a minute. Mort, come here. Mort, come on Napoleon: Come on, come on, Mort FZ: Now, look, you can fill out the AFTRA contract later . . Napoleon: Don't be bashful. Don't be bashful, Mort FZ: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to, this is Mort Libov. Mort Libov, de la Baltimore, who is the producer of the show, and he would like to sing to you right now . . Napoleon: Yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well . . . well . . George: Well . . . well . . FZ: Good God, ain't it funky now! I'll tell you what, hey, I'll make it easy Napoleon: Gimme that wine, oh, gimme that wine, gimme that . . FZ: We're gonna make it easy on you, Mort. All you have to do is sing your own name on the off beats. You ready? Mort: You gonna do it with me? Mort, Mort, Mort Libov Mort, Mort, Mort Libov Mort, Mort, Mort Libov Mort, Mort, Mort Libov Napoleon: Hire him! Hire him! FZ: An instant superstar! Napoleon: Put that sucker in the band! Put that sucker in the band! FZ: If this show ever goes on television, and if this show ever galls . . . if it ever galls to Arbutus, if it ever goes to Baltimore, if it ever goes to Havre de Grace, to all those fine places, I want all the people in that WRETCHED state of Maryland to understand one thing: Mort's from there, Marty's from there, Zack is from there, Chester's from there, and I'm from there too Napoleon: What can I tell you? FZ: Thank you!