Frank Zappa — Sofa Swiss Cheese/Fire

FZ: This is a piece for those of you in the audience who happen to speak German. And if you do happen to speak German after this piece you'll probably regret it . . One, two, three . . FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Maroon . . Mark: Oh, thank you Frank. Hiya, friends! What a life! I can't begin to tell you. I mean, today as I was walking here, just like every place else I go, people walk up to me and they go, "Mark, Mark, Mark." (Bark! Bark! Bark!) A hare-lipped dog. "Mark, are you kidding?" And all I can say back to them is friends, friends, I am not kidding. I feel great. I mean I'm portly, and I'm maroon. What else could you ask for? Can anybody here in this audience, in our vast audience back there, even you in the cheap seats, can you guess what I am? Howard: No, we can't guess what you are Jim: We can't guess what you are Mark: Well then, I'll give each and every one of you some clues. Clue number one (and I've already given this away), I am portly, Clue number one. I am portly, I am clue number one (Mark! Mark!) Howard: I still don't know who you are Mark: OK, then I'll give you clue number two, and this is very important to the girls in the audience, I am double knit Mothers & Audience: Ohhhhh Mark: I stretch. And clue number three . . Howard: Still don't know who you are, though Mark: Well, I was gonna to give ya the clue anyway FZ: Does it matter with a response like that? Mark: Clue number three, and these are for the people standing right in front the vocal PA-mike, ICH BIN MAROON! Howard: Ahhhh, Why didn't you say so! FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, way back when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Maroon . . Mark: Thank you, Frank, hiya friends FZ: Trying to convince each and every member of this audience here tonight that he was nothing more, nothing less than a fat maroon sofa suspended in the midst of a vast emptiness, a light shineth down from Heaven. And who should appear but the Good Lord himself and his faithful Saint Bernard, Wendell Howard?: Down Wendell, down! FZ: And he was feeling fine that day. And if there was one thing that he could use It would be a nice sofa for him and Wendell. And he looked at the sofa, and he said unto himself, "This sofa is all right except that what it needs is a floor." And so in order to attain the floor, he consulted with the celestial corps of engineers and addressed them formally with a little song in Deutsch, because that is the way he talks whenever it's heavy business, take it away, God . . Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag Unter diesem fetten, fließenden Sofa (Everybody!) Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag Unter diesem fetten, fließenden Sofa FZ: And of course that means, "Give unto to me a bit of flooring underneath of this fat floating sofa." And sure enough boards of oak appeared throughout the emptiness as far as vision permits, stretching all the way from Fondue Central up on top of the hill, right down to the front door of the Excelsior Hotel. And the Lord proceeded to deliver unto the sofa a brief lecture that will set forth in specific language, the sum total of all of Their future relationships, including options, with an electric clarinet Yeah! Ich bin der Himmel (This goes out to Urban Gwerder in the box) Ich bin das Wasser Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz Und verlorenes Metallgeld (Metallgeld) Unter deine Ritze Ich bin deine Ritze und [Britze] Ich bin Wolken Ich bin bestickt Ich bin der Autor aller Felgen Und Damast-Paspeln Ich bin der chrome dinette Ich bin der chrome dinette Ich bin Eier aller Arten Ich bin alle Tage und Naechte Ich bin alle Tage und Naechte Ich bin hier Und du bist mein Sofa (AIEE-AH!) Ich bin hier Und du bist mein Sofa (AIEE-AH!) Ich bin hier Und du bist mein Sofa FZ: I am here and you are my sofa Eddie, are you kidding me? Eddie, are you kidding me? Eddie, are you kidding me? Ein Licht scheint vom Himmel herab Kometen und alle rasenden Truemmer Dunkle Gase und tiefgefrorene negative aus [...] Zittern bei der Ankunft des Herren FZ: A light shines down from Heaven, a dense ecumenical patina at the right hand of God's big sofa. And the Lord put aside his huge cigar and considered it was time now to entertain himself on that Heavenly afternoon with the sofa, Wendell, his girlfriend—who was a little bit short—, and her assistant Squat, the magic pig. And he did it like this: Bring her zu mir Das kurze Maedchen FZ: Bring unto me the short girl Und Squat, das magische Schwein FZ: And Squat the magic pig. And the big light, because we're gonna make a home movie Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn Du miserabler Hurensohn Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Schwanz Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh! ([...] guys) Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn Du miserabler Hurensohn Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Streck ihn aus Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten Schwanz Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh! Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Magisches Schwein Mach es sehr schnell Rein und raus Magisches Schwein Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt Feuer! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! (Oh-wo-wo-wo-ow) Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! (Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa) Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa! Armed Forces Radio, Radio Free Europe Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch You ugly son of a bitch Fuck me, you ugly son of a bitch Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Stick it out Stick out yer hot curly weenie Weenie . . . weenie, weenie, weenie! Make it go fast In and out Make it go real fast In and out Make it go real fast In and out Magical Pig Make it go real fast In and out Magical Pig Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts Fire Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts Fire Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts Fire (Three Dog Night) Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts Fire But don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa (Don't get no jizz upon that sofa) Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa (Don't get no jizz upon that sofa) Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa Please me! I'm not a groupie! I'm not a groupie! I'm not a groupie! I'm not a groupie! I'm not a groupie! I HEAR AND OBEY, SHORT GIRL FZ: Sheets of fire, ladies and gentlemen Laken von Feuer FZ: Sheets of real fire Laken von Feuer FZ: Sheets of fried water, which is a new form of fondue Laken von gebratenen Wasser FZ: And the Lord causeth the short girl to kneel and make mysterious gestures near the reproductive orifice of Squat the magic pig, and proceeded to broadcast her pure sweet voice throughout his greatest new PA system all over the Alps and everything (yodel) Fick mich, Schwein Bis meine Orchester dunkles Gas bläst Funken schießem heraus Sich Nebel lassen Hort FZ: And for our boys in uniform that means, "Fuck me, swine, until my orchestra blows dark gas, sparks shoot out, and nebulas are revealed." Along with sheets of fire Laken von Feuer FZ: Sheets of fried water Laken von gebratenen Wasser FZ: Sheets of drywall and roofing Laken von Drywall und Roofing FZ: Sheets of large deep-fried rumba Laken von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba FZ: A light shines down from Heaven. A dense ecumenical bandana at the right hand of God's big rumba . . . And his voice pronounceth out in sheets of plywood and bales of old sportshirts (Vot dooz he say?) FZ: And he says in the middle of his delirious stupor Beklecker nicht Beklecker nicht Beklecker nicht Beklecker nicht Mein Sofa! FZ: Obviously meaning, "Don't get no jizz on the sofa." It is now time for the bales of imported unmiti-con, unmitigated zircon fondue Ballen von Zirkon (Fondu) Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden (Fondu) Laken von Feuer (Fondu) Laken von Gummi (Fondu) Laken von Tränen (Fondu) Laken von Kataloge mit Klistierspritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze (Fondu, Fondu, Fondu, Fondu)