Frank Zappa — The Illinois Enema Bandit FZ: OZ

Ah, thank you very much, Ladies & Gentlemen, let's get this feedback under control so we move along with the, the special part of our program. This is the—bring the band on down behind me, boys—, this is the part of our program that deals with the exploits of that great undiscovered American folk hero, Michael Kenyon, professionally known as The Illinois ENEMA Bandit For the past 10 years in a town just outside of Chicago . . . (get rid o' that feedback! Where is it? Get that outta there! . . . ) Alright, now listen, this guy Michael, used to go around the countryside, wearing a ski mask, carrying a briefcase, and in the briefcase was a pistol, some rope, a thermometer, and some ENEMA equipment, which he would use to give special rinsings to college-educated women in the area He would break into their homes, and address them with his peculiar little lisping sort of a voice through the ski mask, and indicate to them by means of the pistol that he wanted them to lie face down on some sort of a hard surface and then he would tie them up. Then he would remove from the briefcase the little thermometer and inserted thusly, leaving it for just a moment, a moment or two, withdrawing it eventually, giving it a quick read, a quick sniff back into the little thing, and back into the briefcase. Then, he would DASH into the commode and f— (Cheap lies! Ah ha ha ha!) he would dash into the commode and fill up the bag with HOT WATER. Then he would rush back into where the college-educated woman was TIED UP, spread the gluteus maximus (thank you) and then he would jam the thing in there and give it a couple of quick little poots, beat his meat, and then tell the girl not to call the police for at least five minutes until after he had gone Well, finally they caught him. He was tried and convicted in December, in Superior Court in Chicago. This is a true story, this is one of the great Americans of our time. You've heard of Richard Nixon, this guy is better. And he is a real person. Unfortunately he was convicted of five counts of armed robbery, because apparently there is no law against administering an ENEMA to a college-educated woman. His big mistake was, when he got ahold on an ugly one, he robbed her. So never let that happen to you. Meanwhile, here's the tune The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard he's on the loose I heard he's on the loose Lord, the pitiful screams From them college-educated women . . For he'd be just tyin' 'em up (They'd be all bound down!) Be just pumpin' every one of 'em up with all the bag fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice The Illinois Enema Bandit I heard it on the news I heard it on the news Bloomington Illinois . . . he has caused some alarm Just sneakin' around there From farm to farm Got a rubberized bag And a hose on his arm Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna pump Searchin' for some rustic co-ed rump That he just might wanna . . The Illinois Enema Bandit Some day gonna pay Some day gonna pay The police will say, "You're under arrest!" And the D.A. will have him for a special guest D.A. will order a secret test Stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest Put out a call for the jury folks (That's you) And the judge would say, "No poo-poo jokes!" They'll drag in the bandit for all to see Sayin' "Don't nobody, no no no, have no sympathy . . HOT SOAPY WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!" And the Bandit might say, "Why is everybody always pickin' on me?" WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? TELL ME DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY? Well, one girl shout: "Let the Bandit be!" WELL ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT TELL ME NOW WHAT'S YOUR PLEA? Another girl shout: "Let the fiend go free!" WELL ARE YOU GUILTY? TELL ME BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS? You know what the bandit said? He said, "It must be just what they all need . . . " "It must be just what they all need . . . " "It must be just what they all need . . . " "It must be just what they all . . . " (Look out, now . . . )