Jerry Herman — The Tea Party

[COUNTESS AURELIA, spoken] I haven't brought you both here just for a tea party. I wish I knew more about the law. Constance, wasn't your late husband's brother an attorney? [CONSTANCE, spoken] Emile? I remember him vividly. And I remember Henri, and Armand, and Michel, and— (sung) I remember Claude: his face was gaunt, his skin was pale His bony little fingers were so delicate and frail Yes, I remember Claude in every intimate detail But I remember absolutely nothing about my husband And I remember Georges: his voice was deep and insincere His hot and heavy breathing and his lewd licentious leer The passionate obscenities he whispered in my ear But I remember absolutely nothing about my husband [COUNTESS, spoken] Constance, we're not interested in your husband [CONSTANCE, spoken] Neither was I [GABRIELLE, spoken] Oh, what memories I have. All those young doughboys, and General Pershing waving his arms and throwing kisses at me! [COUNTESS, spoken] Gabrielle, dear, today we need facts, not your made up memories [GABRIELLE, spoken] How dare you question my memories! [GABRIELLE & COUNTESS] Suppose I were to say your pearls are false! They were, they were I'm not asking you what they were, I'm asking you what they are Surely you must know, when you wear pearls That little by little the pearls become real And isn't it the same with memories? [CONSTANCE, spoken] Get your memories out of this room, I won't have them sitting around here, staring at me! [GABRIELLE, spoken] The next thing you'll say is that Dickie doesn't exist! [GABRIELLE & CONSTANCE] Dickie, darling little Dickie I'm so proud of my little plump little Shy little, cuddly chap Dickie, Dickie Always lying flat on your fat tummy Here on your dear Mummy's lap! Stop barking! Even when I have to scold you Mummy's just as thrilled as can be How magnificently you obey He's incredibly spoiled! I will not sit back And allow you to insult him this way! Dickie, poor Dickie, dear Dickie The fact is, my dears That I didn't even bring him today [COUNTESS, spoken] We must have an expert opinion from an expert, whether he exists or not [CONSTANCE, spoken] Then I'll go straight home and consult my voices! Most of them have passed into my hot water bottle... except on Fridays, when I can hear them everywhere! (sung) Chatter, chatter, chatter There are voices in my pantry That are wishing me a hearty appetite Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle There are voices in my teapot With advice for housewives Chatter, chatter, chatter There are voices in my pillow That have come to tuck me in and spend the night And voices in my vacuum cleaner That can be extremely impolite Chatter, chatter, chatter Voices in my closet saying "Wear the fuchsia gloves and purple veil!" And voices in my piano Singing up and down the Oriental scale If I welcome them and take them to my bosom It's quite obvious indeed That those lovely little voices Are the only friends a girl will ever need [COUNTESS, spoken] I don't call those voices. If, on the other hand, one could consult Voltaire... [CONSTANCE, spoken] Is he here? [COUNTESS, spoken] Certainly, with other great minds of the past, offering us their help and advice! (sung) Everything that was, is Everything that lived, lives Every little thought ever thought is as lasting as time Everything that was, is Everything that is, will be Some distant day they'll be saying the saying that I'm saying now For we are not alone here There are other minds here Moliere and Keats are enraged and engaged in a row Listen to the lovely language All the lessons Voltaire ever taught And all the thoughts that Buddha ever thought Are right here, in this air, in this house In this room with us now! [GABRIELLE, spoken] Where is Voltaire? What is he doing? [CONSTANCE, spoken] Playing with Dickie, no doubt [GABRIELLE, CONSTANCE, & COUNTESS] Speak Dickie Speak voices Speak Voltaire Dickie (Chatter, chatter, chatter) (Everything that was) Darling little (There are voices in my pantry) (Is) Dickie (That are wishing me a hearty appetite) (Everything that lived, lives) I'm so proud of My little plump little (Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle) (Every little thought ever thought) Shy little cuddly (There are voices in my teapot) (Is as lasting as) Chap (With advice for housewives) (Time) Dickie (Chatter, chatter, chatter) (Everything that was) (There are voices in my pillow) (Is) Dickie (That have come to tuck me in) (Everything that is) (And spend the night) (Will be) Always lying flat (And voices) (And some distant day) On your fat tummy here (In my vacuum cleaner) (They'll be saying the saying) On your dear Mummy's lap! (That can be extremely impolite) (That I'm) Stop barking! (Saying now, for) Even (Chatter, chatter, chatter) (We are not alone) (There are voices in my closet) (Here) When I have to (Saying) (There are) Scold you ("Wear the fuchsia gloves and purple veil!") (Other minds here) Mummy's just as thrilled as can be (And voices in my piano) (Moliere and Keats) How magnificently (Singing up and down) (Are enraged and engaged) You obey (The Oriental scale) (In a row) Listen to the lovely language! I will not sit back (If I welcome them and take them) (All the lessons) And allow you to (To my bosom) (Voltaire ever taught) Insult him this way (It's quite obvious indeed) (And all the thoughts) Dickie, poor Dickie, dear Dickie (That Buddha ever thought) The fact is, my dears (That those lovely little voices) (Are right here, in this air) That I didn't even (Are the only friends) (In this house, in this room) Bring him today (A girl will ever need) (With us now!) Even (Chatter, chatter, chatter) (We are not alone) (There are voices in my closet) (Here) When I have to (Saying) (There are) Scold you ("Wear the fuchsia gloves and purple veil!") (Other minds here) Mummy's just as thrilled as can be (And voices in my piano) (Moliere and Keats) How magnificently (Singing up and down) (Are enraged and engaged) You obey (The Oriental scale) (In a row) Listen to the lovely language! I will not sit back (If I welcome them and take them) (All the lessons) And allow you to (To my bosom) (Voltaire ever taught) Insult him this way (It's quite obvious indeed) (And all the thoughts) Dickie, poor Dickie, dear Dickie (That Buddha ever thought) The fact is, my dears (That those lovely little voices) (Are right here, in this air) That I didn't even (Are the only friends a) (In this house, in this) Bring (Girl) (Room) Him today! (Will ever need!) (With us now!)