Nol Coward — His Excellency Regrets

Now listen please I'll tell you confidentially How ADCs Are trained in social grace They must be brave For daily They're called upon to save His Excellency's face Any explanation Of the duties of an ADC Proves the complications That are rife at Government House Certain situations They could never let a lady see There are strange vibrations In the life of Government House Truth is often sacrificed For reasons of diplomacy That, of course, you understand But all the same It must be grand To be So suave So calm So dignified If you knew what all that signified! They Who break the ninth commandment every day Would hang their heads in shame and say 'Forgive We have To live Officially on feet of clay.' Every minute We're made to sin, it Is really very depraved But to Hell with the lies we tell-- His Excellency's honour must be saved! His Excellency regrets That owing to an attack of gout He really dare not venture out On Saturday to dine His Excellency regrets That owing to doctor's orders He cannot attend the mission tea And also must decline Your kind invitation For Wednesday week A slight operation And poor circulation Combined with a weedy physique Has made him unable to speak All this in addition to what The doctors describe as a clot Which may disappear By the end of the year But may very possibly not His Excellency regrets That owing to his exalted state He can no more associate With amiable brunettes Walk up, walk up We're willing to take your bets That that's one of the principal things His Excellency regrets! So now you know About the Diplomatic Corps How it can so Corrupt the soul of youth Imagine if Someday they gave the waiting world a whiff Of plain unvarnished truth! His Excellency regrets That, failing a better alibi He must admit he'd rather die Than open your bazaar His Excellency regrets That lacking enough official scope He can't disband the Band of Hope No matter where they are He frankly despises The people he rules His gorge also rises When giving the prizes At co-educational schools To rows of illiterate fools And if you should write in the book He'll give you a murderous look For it ruins his day To be taken away From his rod and his line and his hook His Excellency regrets He hasn't enough to run the house Or pay the staff, or feed a mouse Upon the pay he gets Hey-ho, hey-ho He's up to his ears in debts But that's one of the least of the things His Excellency regrets!