Pat Carroll — Poor Unfortunate Souls

[URSULA, spoken] The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself.  [ARIEL, spoken] Can you do that? [URSULA, spoken] My dear, sweet child. That's what I do. It's what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to.  (sung) I admit that, in the past, I've been a nasty They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch But you'll find that nowadays I've mended all my ways Repented, seen the light, and made a switch (spoken) True? Yes.  (sung) And I fortunately know a little magic It's a talent that I always have possessed And here lately, please don't laugh I use it on behalf of the miserable, lonely, and depressed (spoken) Pathetic.  (sung) Poor unfortunate souls In pain, in need This one longing to be thinner That one wants to get the girl And do I help them? Yes, indeed Those poor unfortunate souls So sad, so true They come flocking to my cauldron Crying, "Spells, Ursula, please!" And I help them! Yes, I do Now, it's happened once or twice Someone couldn't pay the price And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals Yes, I've had the odd complaint But on the whole, I've been a saint To those poor unfortunate souls (spoken) Now, here's the deal: I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? Three days. Now listen, this is important: before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get ol' princey to fall in love with you, that is, he's got to kiss you; not just any kiss, this kiss of True Love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human permanently! But, if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid and... you belong to me! [SEBASTIAN, spoken] No, Ariel! [Flotsam and Jetsam the eels gag Sebastian, muffling his cries.] [URSULA, spoken] Have we got a deal? [ARIEL, spoken] If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again.  [URSULA, spoken] That's right! But, you'll have, your man. Life's full of tough choices, isn't it? Oh! And there is, one...more...thing! We haven't discussed the subject of payment [ARIEL, spoken] But I don't have any— [URSULA, spoken] I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice [ARIEL, spoken] My voice? [URSULA, spoken] You've got it, sweet cakes. No more talking, singing, zip! [ARIEL, spoken] But without my voice, how can I— [URSULA, spoken] You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language, ha! (sung) The men up there don't like a lot of blabber They think a girl who gossips is a bore Yes, on land it's much preferred For ladies not to say a word And after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation True gentlemen avoid it when they can But they dote and swoon and fawn On a lady who's withdrawn It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man Come on, you poor unfortunate soul Go ahead, make your choice! I'm a very busy woman And I haven't got all day It won't cost much Just your voice! You poor unfortunate soul It's sad, but true If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet You've got to pay the toll Take a gulp and take a breath And go ahead and sign the scroll! Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys! The boss is on a roll! This poor unfortunate soul Beluga, sevruga Come winds of the Caspian Sea Larengix glaucitis Et max laryngitis La voce to me (spoken) Now, sing.  [ARIEL] Ah, ah Ah, ah Ah, ah [URSULA, spoken] Keep singing! [ARIEL] Ah, ah, ah, ah