Rodgers & Hart — To Keep My Love Alive

(Verse) I've been married and married And often I've sighed I'm never a bridesmaid I'm always the bride I never divorced them I hadn't the heart Yet remember these sweet words: "Till Death do us part." (Chorus 1) I've married many men, a ton of them And yet I was untrue to none of them Because I bumped off everyone of them To keep my love alive Sir Paul was frail, he looked a wreck to me At night he was a horse's neck to me So I performed an appendectomy To keep my love alive Sir Thomas had insomnia He couldn't sleep at night I bought a little arsenic He's sleeping now all right Sir Philip played the harp, I cussed the thing I crowned him with his harp to bust the thing And now he plays where harps are just the thing To keep my love alive To keep my love alive (Chorus 2) I thought Sir George had possibilities But his flirtations made me ill at ease And when I'm ill at ease, I kill at ease To keep my love alive Sir Charles was from a sanatorium And yelled for drinks in my emporium I mixed one drink, he's in memoriam To keep my love alive Sir Francis was a singing bird A nightingale, that's why I tossed him off my balcony To see if he could fly Sir Athelstane indulged in fratricide He killed his dad, and that was patricide One night I stabbed him by my mattress side To keep my love alive To keep my love alive (Chorus 3) I caught Sir James with his protectoress: The rector’s wife, I mean the rectoress His heart stood still: angina pectoris To keep my love alive Sir Frank brought ladies to my palaces I poured a mickey in their chalices: While paralyzed, they got paralysis To keep my love alive Sir Alfred worshipped falconry; He used to hunt at will I sent him on a hunting trip: They’re hunting for him still Sir Peter had an incongruity: Collecting girls with promiscuity Now I’m collecting his annuity To keep my love alive To keep my love alive! (Chorus 4) Sir Ethelbert would use profanity; His language drove me near insanity So once again I served humanity To keep my love alive Sir Curtis made me cook each dish he ate And everything his heart could wish he ate Until I fiddled with a fish he ate To keep my love alive Sir Marmaduke was awfully tall; He didn’t fit in bed I solved that problem easily: I just removed his head Sir Marc adored me with formality; He called a kiss an immorality And so I gave him immortality To keep my love alive To keep my love alive!