Stephen Foster — My Wife Is a Most Knowing Woman

My wife is a most knowing woman She always is finding me out She never will hear explanations But instantly puts me to rout There’s no use to try and deceive her If out with my friends, night or day In the most inconceivable manner She tells where I’ve been right away She says that I’m “mean” and “inhuman” Oh! my wife is a most knowing woman She would have been hung up for witchcraft If she had lived sooner, I know There’s no hiding anything from her She knows what I do–where I go; And if I come in after midnight And say “I have been to the lodge,” Oh, she says while she flies in a fury “Now don’t think to play such a dodge! It’s all very fine, but won't do, man” Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman Not often I got out to dinner And come home a little “so so,” I try to creep up through the hall-way As still as a mouse, on tip-toe She’s sure to be waiting up for me And then comes a nice little scene “What, you tell me you’re sober, you wretch you Now don’t think that I am so green! My life is quite worn out with you, man,” Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman! She knows me much better than I do Her eyes are like those of a lynx Though how she discovers my secrets Is a riddle would puzzle a sphynx On fair days, when we go out walking If ladies look at me askance In the most harmless way, I assure you My wife give me, oh! such a glance And says “all these insults you’ll rue, man,” Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman Yes, I must give all my friends up If I would live happy and quiet; One might as well be ‘neath a tombstone As live in confusion and riot This life we all know is a short one While some tongues are long, heaven knows And a miserable life is a husbands Who number his wife with his foes I’ll stay at home now like a true man For my wife is a most knowing woman