William Shakespeare — Two Gentlemen of Verona Act 2 Scene 5

                              SCENE V. A street in Milan.       Enter SPEED and LAUNCE severally SPEED       Launce! by mine honesty, welcome to Padua! LAUNCE       Forswear not thyself, sweet youth, for I am not       welcome. I reckon this always, that a man is never       undone till he be hanged, nor never welcome to a       place till some certain shot be paid and the hostess       say 'Welcome!' SPEED       Come on, you madcap, I'll to the alehouse with you       presently; where, for one shot of five pence, thou       shalt have five thousand welcomes. But, sirrah, how       did thy master part with Madam Julia? LAUNCE       Marry, after they closed in earnest, they parted very       fairly in jest. SPEED       But shall she marry him? LAUNCE       No. SPEED       How then? shall he marry her? LAUNCE       No, neither. SPEED       What, are they broken? LAUNCE       No, they are both as whole as a fish. SPEED       Why, then, how stands the matter with them? LAUNCE       Marry, thus: when it stands well with him, it       stands well with her. SPEED       What an ass art thou! I understand thee not. LAUNCE       What a block art thou, that thou canst not! My       staff understands me. SPEED       What thou sayest? LAUNCE       Ay, and what I do too: look thee, I'll but lean,       and my staff understands me. SPEED       It stands under thee, indeed. LAUNCE       Why, stand-under and under-stand is all one. SPEED       But tell me true, will't be a match? LAUNCE       Ask my dog: if he say ay, it will! if he say no,       it will; if he shake his tail and say nothing, it will. SPEED       The conclusion is then that it will. LAUNCE       Thou shalt never get such a secret from me but by a parable. SPEED       'Tis well that I get it so. But, Launce, how sayest       thou, that my master is become a notable lover? LAUNCE       I never knew him otherwise. SPEED       Than how? LAUNCE       A notable lubber, as thou reportest him to be. SPEED       Why, thou whoreson ass, thou mistakest me. LAUNCE       Why, fool, I meant not thee; I meant thy master. SPEED       I tell thee, my master is become a hot lover. LAUNCE       Why, I tell thee, I care not though he burn himself       in love. If thou wilt, go with me to the alehouse;       if not, thou art an Hebrew, a Jew, and not worth the       name of a Christian. SPEED       Why? LAUNCE       Because thou hast not so much charity in thee as to       go to the ale with a Christian. Wilt thou go? SPEED       At thy service.       Exeunt