Zero Mostel — Comedy Tonight

[PROLOGUS, spoken] Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The theatre is a temple, and we are here to worship the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy. We shall employ every device we know in our desire to divert you.  (sung) Something familiar Something peculiar Something for everyone—a comedy tonight! Something appealing Something appalling Something for everyone—a comedy tonight! Nothing with kings Nothing with crowns; Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns Old situations New complications Nothing portentous or polite Tragedy tomorrow Comedy tonight! Something convulsive Something repulsive Something for everyone [PROLOGUS & PROTEANS] A comedy tonight! [PROLOGUS] Something esthetic [PROTEANS] Something frenetic [PROLOGUS] Something for everyone [PROLOGUS & PROTEANS] A comedy tonight! [PROTEANS] Nothing with gods Nothing with fate; [PROLOGUS] Weighty affairs will just have to wait [PROTEANS] Nothing that's formal [PROLOGUS] Nothing that's normal [PROTEANS] No recitations to recite! Open up the curtain— Comedy tonight! [PROLOGUS] Something erratic Something dramatic Something for everyone—a comedy tonight! Frenzy and frolic Strictly symbolic Something for everyone—a comedy tonight! (spoken) And now, the entire company! [COMPANY] Something familiar Something peculiar Something for everybody—comedy tonight! Something that's gaudy Something that's bawdy Something for everybody—comedy tonight! [SENEX] Nothing that's grim [DOMINA] Nothing that's Greek [PROLOGOUS] She plays Medea later this week [COMPANY] Stunning surprises! Cunning disguises! Hundreds of actors out of sight!! Pantaloons and tunics Courtesans and eunuchs Funerals and chases Baritones and basses Panderers Philanderers Cupidity Timidity Mistakes Fakes Rhymes Mimes Tumblers Grumblers Bumblers Fumblers No royal curse No Trojan horse And a happy ending, of course! Goodness and badness Man in his madness This time it all turns out all right— Tragedy tomorrow Comedy tonight! (spoken) One, two, three!