Bernard Cribbins — Giggling Gertie the Laughing Traffic Warden

[Verse 1: Bernard Cribbins] I know a traffic warden She's always on our street She's blonde and fat with yellow hat And very hard to beat Just park an extra minute And she'll pop up all in smiles When she's 'andin' you a ticket You can 'ear 'er laugh for miles [Chorus: Miriam Margolyes] (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) [Post-Chorus (spoken)] She's marvellous, ain't she? The kids 'round here call her "Giggling Gertie" Look at 'er, she's like a stranded whale! Ha! Gor blimey! [Verse 2: Bernard Cribbins] She laughs while she is watching for Another traffic crime She yells with glee if she can see The hand go overtimе You run to feed the meter But shе's always got there first Stickin' somethin' on your windscreen Still laughin' fit to burst [Chorus: Miriam Margolyes] (Ooh ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) [Post-Chorus (spoken)] She's marvellous Ev'rytime she bumps, she bounces And you'll notice that at no time do her arms leave her body [Verse 3: Bernard Cribbins] A driver tried to woo her To avoid a parking fine He said, "It's dark, let's have a lark Come press your lips to mine" So, she let him stop her laughin' As beside the car they lay Then at last she said, "I'll 'ave to laugh They've towed your car away" [Chorus: Miriam Margolyes] (Oh ho-ho-ho-ho ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ooh hoo-hoo ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Oh hoo-hoo ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) [Post-Chorus (spoken)] There used to be two of 'em, ya know, but her mate got run over She laughed so much, she was off work for three weeks [Verse 4: Bernard Cribbins] So, if you should ever see her As she prowls around the place Find, if you can, with car or van A lawful parking space For while she's only laughing At a simple meter fine You'll 'ave 'er in hysterics On a double yeller line [Coda] (Oh ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) There she goes again (Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) Ain't it marvellous (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) I don't care, it's not my car! (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) You miserable old bat (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) Why don't you get a proper job? (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha) I 'ope you break your knicker elastic (Ah ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha)