Bernard Cribbins — One Man Band

[Verse 1] Oh, he was playin' his cornet Makin’ a noise like an angry hornet Must have been deaf Or he never could have borne it Kept blowin' his cornet And a-bangin' his gong And in-between, if you follow what I mean While happily swingin’ along [Verse 2] Oh, he was playin' his cymbal Tied on top of his head Fixed to an hat like a great big dimple Could have got hurt if he hadn't been so nimble Kept bashin' his cymbal Fit to waken the dead And in-between, if you follow what I mean While hittin' himself on the head [Verse 3] Playin' his squeezebox Between his two knees Oh, what a place to Be feelin' the breezе And, if you please He was blowin' his trumpеt And he was bangin’ this drum Tied to his back where his arm could thump it And when he missed Well, he simply had to lump it Gave out with his trumpet The sort of tune you can hum And in-between, if you follow what I mean While knockin’ his vertebrae numb [Verse 4] Scrapin' his fiddle Wot hung ’round his chest He must have got rosin All over his vest But, what was best He had got a triangle Very much to the fore A bit of bent wire At a sharp right angle Over his ear Oh, where the thing dangle Whoa, what a tangle When he gave his encore For in-between, if you follow what I mean When some bloke shouted out "More!" This one-man band Gave himself a big hand And fell with a crash to the floor [yelling] [Outro (spoken)] It weren't half a mess Took the whole London Philharmonic to pick him up [singing softly]