Bobby "Boris" Pickett — Stardrek

[Star Trek theme music begins] SPAAAAACE - The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship *BOOBYPRIZE*. Its five year mission - to sell T-shirts, toy phasers, plastic communicators, and anything else we can think of. To seek out new life in old plots and complications. To boldly go where EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE! [Music surge] S T A R D R E K ! JERK: Captain's log, stardate 6935.2. We are in orbit around the planet Shwartz SNOTT: Engineering to Captain Jerk! Engineering to Captain Jerk!! JERK: Jerk here, what is it Snotty? SNOTT: Captain, the warp drive mechanisms are generating excess Antimatter. The pods are overloadin' now, if it continues at this rate, I canna be responsible for the safety of the ship! JERK: Don't have a spaz, Snotty SNOTT: Ach, but the whole ship's gonna blow itself to pieces, Jim! JERK: I WANT ANSWERS, MISTER! SNOTT: Well, I tried shovin' a wiener in the warp drive, but it dinna Do a bit of good. By the by, would ya have a wee bit of mustard up on the bridge? JERK: Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: No mustard, Captain JERK: Analysis, Schlock? SCHLOCK: It would appear that Lieutenant Snott is about to eat a wiener without mustard JERK: As always, your logic is impeccable, Mr. Schlock. However, I was referring to the emergency in the ship's warp drive SCHLOCK: I would say that the program is at too early a stage to permit solving any serious difficulties, Jim JERK: Recommendation? SCHLOCK: Suggest you wait for further plot complication before undertaking corrective measures JERK: Logical, Mr. Schlock. Perfectly logical. Dr. McCoy? McCOY: I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A SCRIPTWRITER! COMPUTER: WARNING! This is a plot complication! WARNING! This is a plot complication! WARNING! This is a plot complication! SCHLOCK: Plot complication showing up on ship's sensors now, Captain. I am switching to visual... JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: Computer data coming in now, Captain. It's just what we need - a colossal negative space wedgie of great power coming right at us at warp speed JERK: Uh, Mr. Lulu, commence evasive action! LULU: Yesss, Captain Jerrrrrk SCHLOCK: Evasive action ineffective, Captain. The wedgie is turning with us and closing rapidly. Estimated time of impact approximately 16.9 seconds. 15... JERK: Bridge to Engineering! SCHLOCK: 14... 13... SNOTT: Snott here, Captain SCHLOCK: 12... 11... JERK: What's not there, Snotty? SCHLOCK: 10... 9... SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, CAPTAIN! SCHLOCK: 8... 7... JERK: Snotty, give me full power! Get us out of here fast! SCHLOCK: 6... 5... SNOTT: Ach, I canna do it. The toilets have backed up into the warp drive! It will take time to make repairs! SCHLOCK: 4... 3... JERK: Time? Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: 2... 1... WIPEOUT! *C R A S H* *B O O M* *S P L A T* SCHLOCK: Readings are off the scale, Captain! I have not encountered this phenomenon before JERK: Damage report! Lieutenant Manura? MANURA: I dunno, but I say we took a shellackin' out here! SCHLOCK: Fascinating JERK: What is it, Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: The force seems to have passed though us, and entered the surface of the planet Shwartz. Yet, tricorder readings fail to indicate any such energy from the planet JERK: Opinion, Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: Insufficient data, Captain JERK: Into the elevator, Mr. Schlock! Let's beam down to the planet's surface so I can find an alien to fall in love with before the program's over! SCHLOCK: You usually do JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Uh, Mr. Lulu, you've got the conn LULU: Thaaaank yeew, Captain Jerkkkkkk! [PFFFT! The door opens...] JERK: Elevator, transporter room ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you? JERK: ELEVATOR, I SAID TRANSPORTER ROOM! ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you? JERK: Oh, forget it! Elevator to Engineering! Beam us down from here, Snotty! SNOTT: Aye aye, Captain! You are locked on coordinates now JERK: Energize, Mr. Snott [Standard transporter noises, fade to city traffic noises in background] SCHLOCK: Remarkable! There is no record of any such civilization as this on the planet Shwartz JERK: Look, Schlock! Here comes a car... feast your Vulcan squinties on that driver! [Car screeches to a stop] SCHLOCK: Far out, Captain Jerk GIRL: Want a lift, sailor? JERK: As a matter of fact, I do. I'll say 'goodbye' here, Mr. Schlock Now you will have what you always wanted - command of the BOOBYPRIZE! SCHLOCK: And you will have what you always wanted... JERK: What's that, Mr. Schlock? SCHLOCK: A bleached blond in red convertible on planet Shwartz JERK: Ain't I somethin'! Well, say 'bye-bye' to Starfleet command for me, and I will see you on 'Hollywood Squares'! SCHLOCK: Bye-bye, Jim [Sound of car driving off] SCHLOCK: I thought he would never go [Sound of communicator opening] SCHLOCK: Schlock to BOOBYPRIZE! SNOTT: Snott here, Mr. Schlock SCHLOCK: What's not there, Lieutenant Snott? SNOTT: I said, SNOTT HERE, MISTER SCHLOCK! SCHLOCK: That's CAPTAIN Schlock SNOTT: Aye? SCHLOCK: Make it ONE to beam up! [Music surge]