Spitting Image — I’ve Never Met A Nice South African

[Intro: P. W. Botha] My fellow South Africans, I feel it is time for me to tell you the facts as they really are 1. Bananas are marsupials 2. Cars run on gravy 3. Salmon live in trees and eat pencils 4. Reform in South Africa is on the way [Verse 1] I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru I've had sunstroke in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu I've seen unicorns in Burma and a yeti in Nepal And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall I've met the king of China and the working Yorkshire miner But I've never met a nice South African [Chorus] No, he's never met a nice South African And that's not bloody surprising, man 'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant bastards Who hate black people [Verse 2] I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German But I've never met a nice South African [Chorus] No, he's never met a nice South African And that's not bloody surprising, man 'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers Who smell like baboons [Verse 3] I've had a close encounter of the 22nd kind That's when an alien spaceship (pop) disappears up your behind I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig But I've never met a nice South African [Chorus] No, he's never met a nice South African And that's not bloody surprising, man 'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths With no sense of humour [Verse 4] I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies I met a man in Kathmandu who claimed to have two willies I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle And I've never met a nice South African [Chorus] No, he's never met a nice South African And that's not bloody surprising, man Because we've never met one either Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris Yes, he's quite a nice South African And he's hardly ever killed anyone And he's not smelly at all That's why we put him prison [Outro: P. W. Botha, Mr. Welldone] Frankly, Mr. Welldone, I'm fed up with people from Britain attacking my country for Apartheid We treat the blacks very well indeed! I actually employ several kaffirs here in my own home But Mr. Botha, I haven't seen a single black since I entered this mansion Haven't seen one? My God, man! What do you think you wiped your feet on when you came in?