Victor Herbert — Dont Be a Villain

We are a pair of villains We're the worst you ever saw We're trying hard to break in jail We've broken ev'ry law The jails are so exclusive Now it really is a sin You have to bribe the keepers Or they will not let you in If you have no money They will throw you out We killed a doll a year ago We stabbed it with a gun They wouldn't lock us up Because they didn't see it done We're pirates, and we're burglars And we kill folks now and then But otherwise, we are a pair Of strictly moral men And that is why we're free To roam about Don't be a villain, boys For crime is bound to fail 'Twill cost you all your earnings To stay a week in jail Don't be a villain, boys Unless it's in a play Oh, do not be a villain for You'll find it does not pay We are so bad that on the whole We couldn't tell you half We love to see a woman cry Because it makes us laugh Last summer we were sleighing Up around the Toyland flats We slayed a flat house janitor And eighty-seven cats If we had a larger sleigh We'd sleigh his wife When we were boys, two bad men came And killed us while we slept They took our lives, and went away But after them we crept We caught them and we killed them both They made an awful fuss The judge said that it served them right For they had just killed us But we were angry when he gave them life Don't be a villain, boys But live a life of peace There are not many villains Excepting our police But do not join the force The pay is very small If you can't own an auto Don't be criminal at all When we were very little boys Our stealing first began One day while at a baseball game We stole a base and ran We went into a fur store And we saw a muff and stole We robbed the village bakery And got the baker's roll And since then the baker hasn't had a bun We tried to corner copper But we found it wouldn't work The copper was a roundsman And his name was Michael Burke We cornered him behind a house He clubbed us both so hard He thought we'd die by inches But we fainted by the yard Now frenzied finance is a thing we shun Don't be a villain, boys For you'll get but little thanks You'll have to be a lady If you go robbing banks Don't try to rob the banks It's no work for a man Unless you are a robber On the Cassie Chadwick plan